Thursday 13 July 2017

What was going to be

I've thought about writing this for a while but then just as quickly, I don't have the words or don't want to say anything at all. I am the kind of person who likes to keep busy, particularly during tough times, as routine and having something to focus on helps me to cope - or at least feel like I am.

I've been doing fine. I think. I feel it, most of the time. But when I stop, even though I keep looking ahead but just want to stop for a minute, I feel a bit lost. Not sure what to do when the distractions fall away.

I want to write something, by means of update on here, but mainly as a way to just get it out. And to tell people that it's ok to feel this way; not knowing how to feel, or what to say. I don't think I can say a lot, but at the same time I want to say something. Because, in my experience, there aren't a lot of people around to provide support, or to talk to you or advise you or care for you.

It's hard for me to say because it means that it happened.

Just over three weeks' ago, I had a miscarriage.

I was 14 weeks when it happened. At my 12 week scan, instead of seeing a 12 week baby, there was just a gestational sac the size of a 5 week pregnancy. And no visible sign of a baby.

Taken just before our scan, in our bubble of excitement of being pregnant

Hubs and I left broken. There was no support offered, just an early pregnancy scan appointment made for two week's time. We were left alone. With questions, with worry and with little hope - although I tried desperately to find answers, to find hope.

My dates weren't wrong. My body may have believed I was pregnant, with all the signs as you would expect, but the one appointment we had told us that we were wrong.

We faced two long weeks, the longest of our lives, before knowing for sure.

Three days before the early scan, I started to bleed. Two days before, I miscarried.

Although it's what we had expected, I had tried my best to cling on to hope.

Hubs was by my side, but we were alone. No-one came to see us, or told us to go and see them; not a midwife or a doctor or a sonographer. "You can do this at home, no need to come in." Straightforward, matter-of-fact, no further advice at all.

Just hubs and I. Coming to terms with what we had lost, no matter how early. It was the thought of what was going to be. We'd spent three months daydreaming about the baby we were going to be having. I had every symptom, and we were so excited.

The baby came and went almost like a dream.

Looking at these photos is difficult, as I was just so happy 

There is support out there but you have to find it. Despite the fact that miscarriage is as common as it is (something you only find out more about when you have to (because nobody wants to know about the reality, the possibilities, really), there just doesn't seem to be the support system in place. Unless you find it yourself or find someone to ask for it.

But, for me, I didn't know what to ask. What to say. How to feel.

The same way that people don't know what to say to people going through this. I haven't a clue what someone would say - I didn't know how to articulate how I was feeling and had no idea what would help.

Everyone handles things differently and I guess we all find our own way.

My way has been to take some time but to use routine to keep me busy and help me move on. The practical side of my brain tells me that everything will be ok, and it will be and we have been. It's been the toughest thing we have had to go through but with Ethan and so many reasons to be grateful, and to keep going, life continues.

We will never know what could of been. And we may always wonder. But we have each other and I will take comfort from what we do have - and what we might be lucky to have one day.



  1. I'm so sorry you have gone through this and I hope that you are ok. The exact same thing happened to be about five years ago now how hard it is to get your head around. Sending you lots of love xx

    1. It is, it's like having the rug pulled from under you. Thank you for your support x

  2. Sending you love and hugs! I am so sorry you have had to go through this x

    1. Thank you Kim, I do really appreciate your kindness x

  3. I'm sorry to hear your news. Miscarriage is such a lonely time even though it's something that happens to so many people. We went through the same thing 3 years ago, it leaves you with so many questions and what ifs but no one to turn to. Take care of yourself, sending love x

    1. Thanks Linsey. I think the questions will always remain and have no answers. It already feels like so long ago now, just keeping positive and looking ahead now.


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