Thursday 1 August 2019

#TBT - The catch 22 of always being busy

An old post, re-shared for #TBT: I like to keep busy and always have something going on or coming up to keep me occupied. Since I was young, I've been able to entertain myself, as I'm an only child and became comfortable in my own company. I like organising and planning and love looking ahead at what's to come.

But I've realised that this can actually be quite exhausting and can hold me back.

I often find myself needing a break or wanting a proper sit down and time to relax, but then when it comes to it, I can't sit still.

For instance, most Saturdays I will start the day by tidying up this and that and I have a mental list of things to do before I can just 'be'. For me, I have to get things in order before I can just chill and enjoy being at home. The trouble is, often this list doesn't actually end or by the time it does, the day is done and it's onto the next thing. I am my own worst enemy and seem to set myself challenges, knowing that I get a kick out of ticking things of my list, cramming the most into my day and being on top of things. It does drive me crazy if I feel out of control but it also makes me a little nuts if I don't have anything left to be in control of.

And it's a catch 22 that I think a lot of other mums can perhaps relate to.

It can relate to 'mum guilt' and the different responsibilities we feel we have to take on. We're all told or exposed to the things we 'should' do or be as a parent; every week there's another story or comment out there up for debate about mums or dads and the roles we play. Most of us know that we are in a no-win situation but even if we know that we can only do what we can and parent our own way, we still end up putting too much pressure on ourselves.

The voice often comes from within. I regularly critique and criticise my own decisions, from how little I do housework to the fact I am a full time working mum. I know that those decisions are for me to make and that they work for us, and for Ethan, but it doesn't mean I give myself an easy time of it.

Hubs made an observation of me the other day that I hadn't really noticed before; that I am constantly moving my feet. Even lying in bed, my feet are always twitching or jigging about. I seem to like keeping myself on edge, or keeping my mind and body occupied.

I want to be able to truly relax and unwind more. Truly, I do. But I just find myself so distracted and there's always something more to do, right? I think that this constant 'got things to do' default position means that we can miss out on things and it also means we don't give ourselves a break when we need one.

I've got a viral / chest infection and it's not too bad but it has made me feel under the weather, but I'm still finding myself doing several things at once. A bit like how I put this post together, actually. I just can't help it! It's always "once I've just done this, THEN I'll sit down", and I always find something to fill my time or to keep me from actually taking a break. 

I do wonder where the time goes sometimes...

So really, I am my own worst enemy. I like spinning lots of plates and get some kind of kick out of being busy but what I need to do is learn to give myself a break and actually 'live in the now'. 

Planning is so much fun but it shouldn't get in the way of doing. Planning can actually be procrastination in disguise so I need to actually give myself a kick sometimes to get done what needs to get done and to truly put my feet up once I have, and not just make excuses to keep on keeping on.

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